Happiness is an emotion that I feel like it is one of the basic emotions that is not hard to find on a daily basis but is still searched for on the daily for some people. I am a person that has been searching for happiness, true/organic happiness that sometimes feels like forever. I do not know if it is me getting ready to turn another year older next month (36) but everyday I wake up with a sense that something is missing from life, that something is missing on the inside. Yes, I've struggle with depression for years but it is not a depression type of feeling, it is truly the feeling that something is missing in my life.
I am a type of person that I am organized to the "T", so I even try to organize what's going on with me, if that makes sense? I've slacked a lot with my blogging because my brain literally feels like it's in a deep fog and it is overcrowded with thoughts and questions. As being unemployed going on about two months now, I make sure that I am constantly busy applying for jobs that I know will not make me happy but I have to pay bills right? I have this go hard personality and I do not like to lose. I also struggle with OCD thoughts and habits, these thoughts create an environment in me that I don't like not knowing how I'm going to pay all of my bills.
So here I am on a Friday with no plans but just thoughts floating around my head. I challenge myself to try to find that dream career that I know is out there for me but God hasn't given me the road map or light to find my way. I know everything that I do on a daily basis helps in that process but when I say road map or light, I am speaking of a clear answer. Again, people say oh, don't worry about it, things fall into place. Even as a believer, I struggle with the light at the end of the tunnel because I feel like my life has been going in the same semi-lost direction for a while. I feel like my life has been going in this direction because I am truly searching for organic happiness.
No, I don't go around in the world being a negative Nancy. I'm actually the polar opposite, I have such a positive attitude in life. But again, I think I'm starting to see a damaged fighter when I look in the mirror. I say this because I do the right things and keep my head up but again, I wake up with that empty feeling that something is missing. That I am missing out on something but I can't put my finger on it.
I just want so much more for myself before I leave this earth. I want all of the "happiness" that's out there and so everyday as of it feels like this year, I'm searching for that happiness. I am a realest and I know everyday will not be perfect but I am looking to replace that empty feeling that I feel on a daily basis now. I want to be able to bless others that struggle with finding their happiness. I want to see everyone around me just win and be successful.
So chasing happiness is a real thing for me and I feel myself growing closer to God every day but I am still not perfect and I know I never will be but the urge to be better is in me everyday. If I could just figure out my assignment and career path I know I would start to feel better. Even with everything I have been through in just this year alone, I have not resorted to that dark depressed place I was last December. So with that I know I am a very strong person and I passed the test last December on what God wanted me to learn about my emotions and he was preparing me for I'm going through now because what He has planned for me is bigger than what I could ever imagine.
I'm also not looking for things or people to fill up the empty feeling for happiness in me. This is a me and a life journey vibe I am on. Yes, I want more positive people in my life but I am not depending on people to get me to feeling whole. When you know that, I think it makes the journey easier and more rewarding. This reward at the end of my journey will be worth everything I've been through.
This is my first real blog post that I am really letting the world inside of my thoughts and heart because I know I am not the only person searching for true happiness. I never have a problem sharing my walk because I know I am not the only one feeling this way. I always say, the way you feel is valid, your feelings are valid, you are an important being placed on earth for a special purpose. I'm just trying to find my purpose...